sen_no_ongaku | (no subject)

I suspect I had no choice.

Eat more: http://princeofcairo.livejournal.com/84095.html

Sweet Jesus, that looks tasty.

And fatal.

Stubborn persistance in the face of constant adversity, and then the ability to cope with the surprising absence of adversity.

I posted a response to this question about half a year ago:

I am Jack's Invisible Hand.

Some days the answer is more satisfying than others.

By the way, would it surprise you to know that you're one of the last people I ever thought I'd hear ask that question? Or at least in that way ("How the hell...")? There are plenty of us who seem to be groping our way through life, but I was always under the impression that you saw your way fairly clearly. Maybe that's what comes from not having had a chance to really sit down and catch up in...oh...seven years or so.

I'm not confused about it, or unhappy. Just...it always seems so convoluted to think about all the paths we've taken to get where we are, and all the different choices we could have made, and the seemingly random things that seem insignificant but end up having so much meaning if where we go.

And part of that bewilderment is that -- well, I wouldn't even be doing what I'm doing if I hadn't taken a music theory class my freshman year for shits and giggles.

And though I've known since then what I've wanted to do, I have no idea how to do it. Nor does anyone else.

Not to mention that the steps forward I've taken professionally seem more the result of luck and serendipity than hard work...

Hmm. Managing to get admitted - off the waitlist - to Williams. Yes, I actually do believe that many of the particular circumstances of my life are a direct or indirect result of my time at Williams. Note, this does not mean I think one's choice of college is THE defining decision in one's life: it wasn't in mine...it just TURNED OUT TO BE, if the distinction makes any sense.

Because when I think about the daily details of my life, most of them are a result, somehow, of my college experience: my attitudes and thus my actions as far as religion, sexuality, meaning of life, etc., as well as my choice of partner, job, friends - all would be very different had I not gone to school where I did. Of course, disclaimer: this may because I'm still relatively recently out of college, and since most life circumstances don't come about because of one's own decisions until college, that could be the reason my life seems to revolve so much around things that began at college. In a decade, I may feel that many things in my life are a result of attending MassArt, working where I work, and my health status, instead.

As for fate and God and such...still haven't figured any of that out.

I'm further out of Williams than you, and I still feel that it had a pretty large impact on who I am and what I do. It's there I decided to be a composer, and started learning how to be one...and most of the people I spend time with I'm connected to through Williams, directly or indirectly. In terms of my worldview, I was always pretty liberal, though perhaps Williams made that a more considered stance.

I'm a few years out of grad school now, with a Master's...and looking back, though I was certainly glad to go to NEC, I feel that I could have had that experience anywhere, that graduate school was more about refinement than definition the way college was.

By navigating the currents of desire, dissatisfaction, and torpor.

It's a miracle of mutation that I'm not currently living in

stealthmuffin's spleen.

A little bit of my own actions, and a lot of chance. Maybe if I stood back far enough, the blurry dots of it would resolve into a pattern with some sense.

Incredible unwarranted blessings. Thermodynamic miracles. And the occasional self-willed act; enough to say "It's mostly my own darn fault" when I'm unhappy, but not enough to say "I did it all myself!" when I'm not.

Living in Japan dealt me the cultural and psychological bitch slap. Came back home, found good job. Decided that living in my 'hood near my parents is more my speed.

Laziness, more than anything.

Dissatisfaction, ambition, and a desire for new experiences. A pinch of talent, misanthropy and contempt. Independence. A love of puzzles and new ideas.

These tendencies do occasionally get me into trouble, but they keep my life interesting.

Me? Largely inertia, and an unwillingness to live somewhere without friends around.

Though like you, in spite of the fact that I've known what I wanted to do for many years now, any actual advances I've made seem more based on random luck than careful planning towards my goal.

Indeed. I'm reminded of what a poker great once said about tournament play:

Your mission is to put yourself in a position to get lucky.

I've had the same thought a lot recently--if I hadn't started theatre (largely by accident) and hadn't gone to Williams, and I hadn't taken the job in VT, then I wouldn't have met

pirateofcatan, and I probably wouldn't be living here, and and and....

But the other thought I've been having a lot this year/last year is that the circumstances are not important. What I do with them/how I respond to them is. Sometimes I think this is "putting yourself in a position to get lucky" and sometimes it feels more like "trying make the best of a bad lot," but I think that my responses--not my circumstances--are really what define what my life and self are about.

Just as many a doctor is living the life chosen by a teenager, I'm living the life chosen by a 23-year old.

But that's not a satisfying answer. A while ago there was a meme going around about the alternate universe yous and what they're doing now -- that is, what you be doing if you made the "other" choice at the big moments in your life? And I think it's about time for me to write that one up.

A while ago there was a meme going around about the alternate universe yous and what they're doing now -- that is, what you be doing if you made the "other" choice at the big moments in your life? And I think it's about time for me to write that one up.

This? Is a very good idea. This isn't the weekend for me to do it, but I think I need to do this as well very soon.

I identify with a number of the responses above, including your own, but I respond most strongly to pantshead's. I think that she's right, in spite of the fact that certain facts in my life were determined for me at an early stage, against my or anyone's will.

I share your sense of bewilderment at how convoluted and random our paths seem; luck has also certainly played a part in my career (my current church job arrived starting with a discussion with a stranger on an airplane). Yet the choices that I made, when I consider them, seem incontrovertible when it comes to big questions: I couldn't have chosen any other way, in the end. When it comes down to details, there are lots of questions, but I'm not always convinced how far the outcome would change based solely on those.

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